Tonight…WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

By Darren Carless

Like most laboratory subjects Pinky and Brain spend most of their time confined to their cage. Unlike most laboratory subjects however (and we’re making a pretty big assumption here), Brain spends every waking second devising devilishly clever schemes to take over the world (Pinky on the other hand is usually preoccupied with something not so grandiose).

So what have Pinky & Brain and their schemes got to do with guitar playing? Well, similarly to our little furry friends, those of us who like to play guitar like to dream big and the idea of forming a band and ‘taking over the world’ is probably high on the list of ‘things to do’. But as Pinky & Brain will tell you (despite Brain’s superior intellect and all the good will in the world, things never quite seem to go their way) it’s not necessarily that simple; there’s a lot to do before you can be the biggest band in the world!

THE BAND

Nowadays computers allow us to do lots of wonderful things including play an instrument i.e. programme instruments that we don’t even have a clue where to begin with. However, if you’re going to do things the old fashioned way you’re going to need a band. If you’re going down the ‘orthodox guitar band’ route you’ll need a drummer, a bass player, a guitar player and a singer (who knows someone might fulfil multiple roles) but outside of that well do what feels right! For example, Slipknot has 9 members whilst Royal Blood has only 2…but both create fantastic music so who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong.

You may decide to hold auditions to find who you’re looking for, you may already know someone who plays , or you might have a younger sibling who can’t play a note but is rather good looking so might attract more of the opposite sex ala Martin Kemp of Spandau Ballet. Whatever you opt to do, make sure that whoever ends up in the band is likeable or at the very least you can stand to be in each other’s company for extended periods of time…because from now on you’re going to be getting to know each other very, very well.

You might not get quite as many turn out for the audition but you never know…

SONGS / MUSIC

Essential to pretty much any band (we’re talking about genuine bands here…not manufactured rubbish) being a success is the songs that they write. Most of us will start off by playing the songs of our heroes and favourite artists…it’s kind of like a rite of passage. Some of us will never move on from this (and there’s nothing wrong with that) but some of us will get the itch for writing our own songs. Unfortunately the vast majority of us are not as gifted as Lennon and/or McCartney, so songs may not come as easy as we’d like but that’s where the hard work and determination kicks in. Almost by default you will have picked what type / genre of music you’re going play by what type of music those involved listen to. But that’s not to say it’s a done deal; if the bass player listens to In Flames and the singer loves a bit of Kylie Minogue the collective influences may spawn a fantastic folk ensemble…you simply don’t know and you just kind of have to wait and see.

Masters at work…

RECORDING

Once you’ve decided upon your musical direction and you’ve got some songs written…you need to get them committed to tape (remember those?) so that people can hear you. Technology has moved on leaps and bounds in the last couple of years so no longer do you need to scrape together every penny the band can lay its hands on so to pay for a day in a recording studio. There’s a plethora of software and hardware available that will allow you to create your masterpiece from the comfort of your own home. Similarly with the invention of the internet there’s no need to spend countless hours holed up in your bedroom burning a thousand CD’s to post to every record label you’ve ever heard of (and some you haven’t). Use everything that’s available to get that music out there e.g. YouTube, sound cloud, Facebook etc.

Where the magic used to happen…

PROMOTION / MERCHANDISE

You’ll need to name the band. Ordinarily groups tend to pick something that gives a potential fan an idea of what you’re all about i.e. a metal band will go for something dark and gloomy rather than something pretty and floral, but again there are no rules. These days no one gets very far without using the internet so get that Facebook account set up, tweet like there’s no tomorrow and make sure your website contains everything anyone could ever need to know about you. You’ll also need merchandise…t-shirts, cd’s, stickers, pants (apparently they’re the in thing?), posters, badges etc.

Ideally someone should take on the role of coordinating everything you do. A band member may put themselves forward or a friend might volunteer, despite what you might initially think; a parent can be a good choice because they’ve always got your best interest at hearts, will have been around the block a few times and they will have picked up those essential life skills that you haven’t developed yet i.e. how to wash socks and use deodorant.

We’re never ones to pass up a marketing opportunity and neither should you be…

PRACTICE

It’s always good to follow the doctrine of the 6 P’s…Prior Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance!!! (there are probably more out there that are also appropriate). If they’re genuinely serious about making it no band in their right mind would dare to even set foot on stage without having worked their butts off getting ready…that said I’ve had the misfortune of witnessing a few first hand that perhaps should’ve spent just a little more time working on things (or not even bothered in the first place).

Ideally find somewhere that the band can call ‘home’. It might not be as swish as Metallica’s HQ or boast the latest décor but it’ll allow you to drill yourselves in solitude until you’re ready to be unleashed upon an unsuspecting public. If that’s not an option; well you can do it the old-school way and annoy the hell out of your neighbours by rehearsing in your parent’s garage, front room, bedroom…

We’re not all as fortunate to have such a great rehearsal room…

GEAR

The guitar with four strings that never stayed in tune may have been great for cutting your chops on but now you need to make sure you’ve got the tools to get the job done. As a band you will need instruments, effects, a backline / amps, a PA etc. Your little 15watt practice amp probably isn’t going to be man enough for the job so you’ll need something ‘bigger’ and you’ll probably need to have your own PA. If you’re lucky after a while and if a bit success comes your way you may be able to downsize as venues will provide an in-house PA (just think how thankful your spine will be).

We can all dream…

TRANSPORT

Your mum and dad giving you a lift to shows might be fine when you start out playing your local community centre or school party, but in the grand scheme of things it’s only got a finite life. A driving licence and access to a vehicle would be useful to start with (it might be part of the audition?) As the band gets bigger (which hopefully it will) the venues you play will without doubt get further and further away from where it all started and normal daylight hours will seem like a long distant memory so a van or tour-bus might follow.

One day you might get to ride in style…

IMAGE

If you’re going to be a standard rock / metal band a pair of skinny jeans and an assortment of black t-shirts will probably see you through, but if you’re looking to stand out from the crowd you might want to spend a few moments thinking about your image / band persona (think Slipknot or Rammstein if you want to be right out there).

Image as they say is ‘everything’…

SHOWS

Your fans will want to experience their favourite songs of yours in person and of course look at you dreamy eyed or in envy. Without shows to play, a band isn’t really a band…and this is where all the hard work in your parents’ garage really pays off (remember the 6 P’s?). If you’ve got a manager they should be working their socks off to book you in every venue they can…including some that might be shall we say slightly less desirable than others (hey we’ve all got to start somewhere). Shows give you an opportunity to sell merch, meet the fans, get your name out there and more importantly enjoy yourself…after all that’s what it’s all about!

Having done all of the above you can consider yourselves ready to rock and world domination is surely just around the next corner. Of course despite all of your planning and hard work it might all come to nought but at least you’ll have had a blast giving it your all and have a few stories to tell…just remember that what happens on the road…stays on the road!!!

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